One day, my kids won’t want me around all the time. They won’t want me to go with them to school, or to join them on playdates with friends. They won’t want me running around at the park and going down slides with them. They won’t even always come to me when they are hurt or sad. Someday, life will be different. They may not want me for everything when they’re older but right now, I am their whole world. It’s hard for me to imagine my babies not needing me. I’m only their world for a little while, they’ll be my world forever.
I used to get frustrated when they needed me for every little thing or when my house was always a hot mess because of the kids. I took it for granted. When I went back to work full time, it hit me – they are everything to me. I want to be there for every little bump and bruise. I want to see every achievement, no matter how small. I want to be there when they learn to hop on one foot or button their own pants. I’m not kidding, I want to be there for everything. Every. Little. Achievement. So, I quit my job (the cost of childcare made this decision even easier, honestly).
Some call this a hover mom, some call this plain psychotic, but I hate being away from my kids. Don’t get me wrong, I grumble about not having any time to myself or about never having time away with my husband but, while this time away is nice (and much needed), I’m still always thinking about my littles. They are always becoming more and more independent and I know that the days of fewer cuddles and less of them needing mama are coming quicker than I can comprehend. Maybe this stems from me having 3 kids in such a short amount of time. This is it. These are the only baby years I’ll ever experience. I am soaking it up. I have to.
Now, I am looking around my house at the mess we’ve made. There are goldfish cracker crumbs on the floor that I have already swept two times today. There are rainboots on my kitchen counter. There is a basket of clean laundry, unfolded, sitting by the stairs. I probably couldn’t find my remote (again) if I wanted to watch TV, and my car keys might be missing, too. It’s fine.
Seriously, it really is fine. I used to feel like a failure and I’d be frantic and grumpy when my house would look this way, which was all the time. It honestly used to look worse. When I learned to love being home with my kids all the time, I learned how to balance the household duties a little better, as well. It all fell into place once I realized that this is where I want to be. Where I need to be. So, while things are not ever perfect, my babies are perfect and precious, and they are my whole world. I am only their whole world for a short time, they are my whole world forever. I want to have these memories. I want to have the messy house if that means I can make memories with my kids every day. I want to have the hectic mornings rushing around to playgroups and story times because that means we were making more memories. I want to hold their hand and walk through the park or go down a slide with them sitting on my lap.
Nothing is better than giving Josie butterfly and Eskimo kisses or having her run her soft palms across my cheeks. Nothing is better than hearing Liam laugh at every little thing or feeling his sweet, cuddly hugs. Nothing is better than having Sylas cuddled up next to me or chatting my ear off about his plans for the day. I live for these little things. I can’t miss out on them.
The other day Liam started fussing in his crib at nap time. I started to go in his room when I heard Sylas singing You Are My Sunshine to Liam. This is the song I sing to Liam when he’s sad or when I’m putting him to sleep. My heart melted when I heard Sylas comforting his brother. Josie is just as sweet to Liam. She’s always making sure he has his blanket and rubs his back or hugs him when he is fussing. She gives him his bottle even when he doesn’t need it, and she cannot let any of her siblings go to bed without giving them a hug and a kiss first. Missing out on their bond would kill me more than anything.
There is nothing more precious than a child, and I can’t fathom the idea of missing out on any of the precious days with them. I am going to soak up the few years I have left and embrace all that God has given me. They need me, and I need them just as much.
