It’s hard to know what to say to a grieving friend. What if we say the wrong thing? What if we make their situation worse? These questions are common when contemplating what we should and shouldn’t say. Learning things you shouldn’t say is helpful so you don’t make them feel worse.
Finding the right words is tricky, but sometimes, we don’t have to say anything at all. Sometimes the best action is to listen to our friends and provide companionship so they don’t feel alone. We can also recommend grief counseling to them, as a professional in this area will be better versed than we are in the right things to say. Here are some suggestions on what you shouldn’t say to your grieving friend.
Things You Shouldn’t Say To A Grieving Friend
#1: I know how you feel
If you have experienced loss, you might make assumptions about how your friend feels. However, a loss is a personal experience, and how you felt during your grief might not be how your friend feels.
If you share your experiences of loss, your friend might think you are dismissing their pain by focusing on your own.
Instead, let your friend tell you how they feel if they can. Summoning up the words might take a while, so don’t quiz them about their feelings. Quizzing could make them feel pressured to speak when they don’t want to.
#2: Let me know if I can help
You might assume it’s good to say to a grieving friend, but it isn’t helpful. It puts the burden on them to reach out to you. If they don’t want others to see them as a problem, they aren’t likely to ask for help.
Many people also say these words to be kind, but not everyone has the intention of actually helping. As such, your friend might be unsure of your true intentions.
So, rather than making a vague offer of help, let them know what you’re willing to do to support them. You could offer practical help with funeral planning, for example. Or you could do their grocery shopping and then make them dinner. Your friend might turn down your suggestion, but it’s better to offer something specific rather than a vague “let me know if you need me” or other similar words.
#3: At least…
At least your mother is still alive. At least you’re in good health. At least you don’t have to look after them anymore.
Any sentence that starts with “at least” is usually a bad one to use when somebody is grieving. Your intention might be to make your friend feel less sad by getting them to focus on a positive. By trying to improve their situation, you might worsen it by trivializing how they feel.
Your friend can feel sad, so don’t try to put a positive spin on things by making them think their situation could have been worse. Instead, accept their feelings and take other steps to boost their spirits. Consider going on a walk with them or sharing happy memories of the person they have lost.
Recap: Things You Shouldn’t Say
We can all feel awkward and tongue-tied when trying to help a grieving person. Sometimes the best thing is to be there for them, even if we don’t say much.
What are your thoughts? Leave us a comment below with your suggestions for helping a grieving friend.
