10 Steps to Make Your Marriage Last

They say the first year of marriage is the hardest and if that is true, my husband and I will do alright throughout the rest of our marriage. We had some hard times but never anything that we couldn’t work out. My husband Chris and I are coming up on our one-year wedding anniversary and I want to share some of the things we’ve learned so far and the things that helped us connect better.

1. Communicate – I know this seems obvious but it’s the thing we have struggled with the most. When we fail to tell each other how we are feeling, it gets to the point that we are shouting at each other and making passive aggressive remarks to one another. This obviously isn’t the way to handle issues in a marriage. Luckily, we have learned to tell each other when we are mad, sad, frustrated, hurt, etc. and what exactly made us feel that way. Nothing will get better if you don’t talk about it.
2. Listen – This one kind of ties into the last one, but it is SO important on many different levels. Yes, you need to listen to your partner when they are telling you how they are feeling and why, but you also need to listen to the things that aren’t so obvious. If you overhear your spouse and they sound like they are having a hard time, step in and help them out. If they are frustrated or overwhelmed with the kids and you can hear that in their voice, take over. Give them a break for a few minutes. If they are feeling stressed out about work and you can hear that in their voice, help them relax. You know how to help them relax or what activities will relieve their stress… help them out. Listen to those tones in their voice and lend a hand when you can.
3. Learn to bite your tongue – Hubby’s tip. Have you ever said something to your spouse that you regretting? Something that caused an unnecessary argument or made an argument worse? Yeah, we have, too. Work on that. I know it’s easier said than done, but it’s essential to making a marriage last. Learn when to stop yourself from saying the first thing that comes to mind. Learn when to just take a deep breath and walk away. Learn to not say things you don’t mean when you’re angry. Ask yourself if it will help the situation. Will it solve the problem?
4. Cook together – Hubby’s tip. This might be our #1 tip. We bond so much in the kitchen. We listen to music, dance, sing, talk, laugh, and enjoy being together. The kids are sometimes involved… they help with the cooking when they can and they dance and sing when they can’t help with dinner. When we want a little “alone” cooking time, we turn on the kids’ favorite movie or TV show and bond on a more intimate one-on-one level. It has helped us through so many fights and helped us bond during the happier times.
5. Cuddle – Chris and I are always happier when we cuddle. We feel emotionally connected to one another, reminding us of who we are when it’s just us. Not as parents, but as the people we were before we started focusing all of our attention on the kids. It helps us relax and can ease the tension after a long day, and when I’m feeling anxious, it always helps calm me. For us, there is no better way to bond, either.
   
6. Go on dates – This is so important and very often pushed to the side in a marriage. You need one-on-one time with your spouse with no distraction. I need time to remember who my husband was when it was just him and I. The super funny, affectionate man who would always hold my hand and grin at me. This helps me get to know my husband again. Remember that person you started dating all those years ago and fell in love with? Find them again. Go on dates. You can find some free/cheap date ideas here if you need some inspiration.
7. Do things you don’t want to do – I’m not saying to ignore your wants, but your spouse wants to share the things they love with the person they love. So watch that basketball game, see that movie, listen to that song, and go ice skating or wine tasting if that’s what your partner wants to do. They’ll do the same for you when the time comes, and they’ll see that you are interested in them enough to experience these things that make them happy.
8. Don’t lose interest in your own interests – While I did just say to do things you don’t want to do… you still have to do stuff YOU want to do alone. If you like to play trivia with your friends, keep doing it! If you want to see a movie with your friend instead of your spouse, do that, too. I like to scrapbook and that’s something I know Chris is just not going to be interested in. I like to do it and I’ve always done it alone while watching TV shows or listening to music, so I still do. It is still important to take time for yourself and do things you enjoy on your own.
9. Do things to let your spouse know you are thinking of them – So my husband will randomly surprise me with my favorite candy bar or drink, or he’ll make a pot of coffee in the morning even when he doesn’t have time to have any himself. He’ll send me a random text message in the middle of the day to tell me he loves me and I do the same for him. I was at dollar tree and noticed they sold Mr. Pibb and I know that’s Chris’ favorite so I grabbed him a bottle. Just little things like that… they don’t take much effort, but they’re meaningful. It’s like saying, “Hey babe, I was thinking of you today”. It’ll make your partner feel special.
10. When you are wrong, say so – Admitting that you’re wrong is the first step to working through a problem. Apologize, make it right, make up, and learn from it.

These are the little things that have helped us become closer during our first year of marriage. We are constantly learning and growing, and we have found that focusing on our relationship is just as important as spending time with the kids. It is essential in a marriage to work on the things that harm the relationship, and also on the things that make our relationship better.

Bonus Tips from teenagers – 

• “Always say 3 kind words a day, besides ‘I love you’. ” – Stevey (Nevaeh’s best friend)
• “Be loyal.” – Nevaeh 

I know that teenagers haven’t had marriage experience yet (obviously), but I thought it would be interesting to hear what they thought would help a marriage last. They do observe their parents, after all. Plus I thought it could be kind of funny…. this is how their answers really went:

“Umm.. I have one but I don’t know what it is right now” – Stevey
“Nevaeh, do you have a tip?” – Me
“I don’t know… be loyal” – Nevaeh (with complete confusion in her voice about why I’m asking her)
“OK Stevey, got one yet?” – Me
“Yep, it says …” – Stevey
“Wait are you reading this from Google?” -Me
“Yeah. Um, it says “Always say 3 kind words a day, besides ‘I love you'” – Stevey

I tried to google where her answer came from so I could link it but literally, nothing even close came up… lol

So now that I’ve told you how Chris and I made it through our first year of marriage, I’d like to hear from you! What is your advice for other married couples? Tell me in the comments! 🙂