The dreaded years are here… your teenager has started dating or has begun showing interest in dating. Now what?! This teen dating experience could be disastrous, or it could be a great time in both of your lives.
I’m sure you remember when you first starting having an interest in dating someone. Your trips to the mall or movie theater, meeting their parents or siblings, hanging out at the park… infatuated with this person you’ve been spending your time with.
Our teenager has her first serious boyfriend, and we are kind of learning as we go. Along the way, I’ve been jotting down some tips for when your teen starts dating so that I could help other parents out.
Why Is This Teenage Milestone So Important?
While these teenage relationships may seem minor and unimportant to some parents, it is SO important to think back and remember how you felt in that time of your life. The feelings were REAL, weren’t they? We need to remember this about our own teenagers… these relationships are so real to them in every way, and it is the time to show them how a healthy relationship works, and help them through this time in their life.
The way a teenager or young adult learns to date and have a relationship is setting the precedent for their future relationships and eventually their marriage. Take this time while you are more present in their lives and able to supervise and monitor more of the relationship to give them advice, help correct mistakes, teach your teenager to respect themselves and their boyfriend/girlfriend, and even when it is time for an unhealthy (or potentially unhealthy) relationship to end. Our teenagers don’t know any of this… they’re new to dating! These tips can help you make this new milestone in your teenager’s life a positive experience.
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How Do You Know When Your Teen Is Ready To Date?
I hear so many teenagers ask, “how old do I have to be to start dating?”, and I honestly don’t think you can put a definite age to it. Each teenager is different and matures at different times, so there are characteristics you should watch for in your teenager. Once you have noticed these traits in them, you know your teenager is ready to begin dating.
You know your teenager is ready to date when they:
- see through empty promises and bribes.
- become less impulsive.
- know how to speak to adults and introduce themselves.
- are respectful of themselves and others.
- have proven themselves to be trustworthy and able to make good decisions when adults aren’t present.
Teen Dating: Tips For Parents
1. Communicate!
The most important thing when your teenager starts dating is to let them know they can talk to you about anything. This means you can’t overreact when they do come to you, or next time they won’t let you know what’s going on.
If communication isn’t your strong suit when it comes to your teenager, try this “Dates With Parents” idea that I do with my kids! It gives you an awesome opportunity to bond, which will likely open up a way to easily communicate.
I actually learned a ton from this book “Parenting a Teen Girl“. I learned so many tips for communicating, and they actually worked!!
2. Be up front about expectations and rules.
An important rule we have for our teenage daughter is that she isn’t allowed to be alone with her boyfriend. I want an adult to always be present… maybe not right next to them the whole time, but at least in an area where an adult will be regularly walking through. This means that bedrooms are definitely off limits.
While I trust her to make a good choice, I don’t want her to get into a position that is difficult or awkward to get out of if I have anything to say about it. She should feel safe and comfortable at all times, and I (as the parent) should feel comfortable in the knowledge that my child is in a mistake-free situation.
3. Talk to them about how to get out of a situation when they are being pressured.
Give them an easy out… let them know they can ALWAYS text you a code word or something (determine this “something” ahead of time), that means they need you to come and get their right away. When you get this message, you could call your teen and pretend something has come up and you have to come and get them. (Read more on this *here*.)
If texting or calling isn’t an option, they should know what else they can do to get out of the situation. One thing you could tell your teen to do if they are being pressured is to tell a lie. I know, it kind of contradicts everything we’ve taught them in the past. However, if they are in an uncomfortable situation like this, their number one priority should be getting out of there and being safe.
4. Communicate about respect (this means both themselves and the other person).
It is so important for a teenager to know that they can say NO. And they should also know that if they are being shown respect, their “no” answer will be accepted. The teenagers should also known to respect the other person… if that person says “no”, they need to immediately drop the subject and accept that answer.
5. Give them a curfew.
The world gets a little crazier after a certain time of night. Alcohol comes out, bad decisions begin to be made, it gets dark, and many of the “good” kids are safe at home. Your child should be home, too, after a certain time of night. Stick to this curfew because, as parents, we know that nothing good could come from being out too late as a teenager.
6. Meet their date.
You would be surprised how many parents don’t think it’s important to meet the people their teenager hangs out with. If someone is going on a date with your teenager, you should definitely meet the date ahead of time. I also like to meet the parents of the date (or have my husband meet them), too.
7. Check on your teenager after the date has ended and give them a chance to talk.
You should always make time to ask your teenager how the date went and give them a chance to talk about it, whether it was good or bad. Don’t interrupt or give your opinion until they are finished talking or until they ask for it. They’ll be able to process their feelings vocally, and you’ll be able to get a feel for how the date went.
8. Watch for red flags.
Even with following all the parenting tips in the world bad things can still happen. You can’t always be present when your teenager is with their boyfriend or girlfriend, so you have to know how to look for red flags in other ways. Some common red flags to watch for include:
- sudden lack of communication from your teen.
- irresponsible and unpredictable behavior.
- telling lies when they didn’t before.
- controlling behavior.
- unusual insecurity.
- withdraw from friends and family members.
- lack of interest in their favorite activities.
Teen Dating: Tips for Teenagers
- Talk to your parents about the good and the bad.
- Stay in well lit areas and near others.
- Go on group dates whenever possible, and stay in public places if you’re alone with your date.
- Listen to and follow your parents rules (I promise they are only giving rules to protect you!)
- Always know where an exit is.
- Don’t take food or drink from anyone at a party – always serve yourself.
- Don’t hesitate to call for help. This includes calling the police if it even crosses your mind that you may need to.
Final Thoughts On Teen Dating
I think part of the reason that the teenage years are so difficult is because our teens are now learning to do adult things. Driving, working, taking care of pets, meeting deadlines, DATING (omg)… these are all things that full grown adults make mistakes at.
We can’t expect our teenagers to be perfect, so when it comes to teen dating, we must make ourselves present and open to communication with them. It’s one of the only ways we can pave a healthy path for them as they grow into adults.
